Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
