How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
