I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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