So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
