Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
