By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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