Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Randomize
