Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
