Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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