I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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