Sacagawea was the original milf.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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