I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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