I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
