I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize