wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
