dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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