I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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