When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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