i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
