When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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