I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
