dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
