that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
