and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
