I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
