just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
