When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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