Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
