dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
