I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
