i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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