He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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