Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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