Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I wish there were birth control emojis
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
