i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
