i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
