so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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