Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
