I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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