How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
