I'm so fucking centered right now
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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