I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
