if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Randomize
