he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
