How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
