i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
