Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
