If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize