I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
