My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As shirtless as possible
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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