She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
