i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
