so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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