No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
