does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
