i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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