I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
