Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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