either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
