Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
